I have been struggling with this blog. I've wanted to publish so many posts that I've been writing. I have written drafts, gone back and forth rewriting them, analyzing, and editing.
Then it hit me. I am trying to hide again. I've always felt more comfortable blending in.
Lately, I have been feeling conviction about hiding who I am. I have hidden for so long, unsure of what I have to say... that it may be wrong, or unfiltered. I have a tendency to be pretty blunt & straight forward. I spent many years curbing my conversation and being careful with my words. But for too long my "filter" has collected, and shut off any voice that I might use. I've stopped sharing altogether. As I begin to scrape away the debris, I am seeing the freedom in expressing my loves, my weakness and dependency on the Rock, things about myself that I hold in, the struggles, the dark days... Why did I hold back, all these years?
I'll tell you why. I hid, because I assumed no one wanted to hear those stories. No, not those.... messy ones.
There has been a struggle, life is less than perfect, messy... heck, life is hard! Truthfully, there are dark moments. The doubts, the fears, the God-where-are-you-?-thoughts. I have to daily contend for joy, for truth, for the things that the bible says are mine!
Why do we not share the "undone" stories?
This might explain the editing, and the rewrites... I wanted a finished story from an unfinished process {in me.} In all of my angst, my husband leaned over to me one night and said, "You know, a blog is something you write everyday, like a log or a journal entry. You can't go back and change it. If you are going to write a book, then write a book!" Duh. {...And cue the trendy Edison light bulb over my head.}
FACT: You can't take back the last 3 minutes that you took to read this. I am, so sorry. The process of growing... whether it maybe older, in spirit, in maturity, or in knowledge... you can't zip through it. Ya just can't. Growing pains are actually, painful. Stretch marks can be ridiculously unfair... But, if we didn't get them our body would never grow, or hold together. The process... the logged thoughts, the ups and downs... Everybody wants to read the story, and watch the film of How {insert person} Got There, not... oh hey, he's there. Right?
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." -Albert Einstein
To you... yes, you. There are many trials, many victories.... The journey is just beginning! And guess what? "Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us." Romans 8:37
In this age, "reality" has become scripted. People photoshopped. "Corrective" surgeries, wrinkle cream. Aging and maturity is certainly not graceful, but more of a defect. Truth, reality and scars are hidden. Lies and deception, plastic, make up and dye cover our tracks, our stories, and our journey. Now, more than ever, I want someone to be REAL. This is what our souls are crying out for. Am I right? Please, something real. Someone... please be yourself! Oh, that evil voice that convinces someone over and over they are not perfect, they lack, they are ugly and broken. How it strips us from our true selves, who He created.
I was driving behind a motorcyclist yesterday. On the other side of the road another motorcyclist drove by and they both gave each other the wave. The didn't know each other, but were connected by a single common theme.
How do we signal to those who are broken, that we are broken too?
To those that have entered the valley of shadows... I have too. I am there. I understand. I can be an ear, a shoulder, a encouraging voice. I am marked, scarred, ruined for good, and never going back! See, we can say we are of Christ, the difference is if we allow Christ IN to do His work, no matter what it looks like. Often our acceptance of Christ {in our life} is the resurrected version of Him. But it is very easy to miss His journey, the story... which, included a vital crux- the cross. The pain, the nails, the rejection, the loneliness... God used all the good and the bad, created a plot, conflict and resolution... a glorious resolution! I believe we remain a unfinished, unpublished document if we do not invite Christ's entire story into our own lives. If we do not let the Author {& Finisher} continue to pen in our hearts His will.
Maybe it's time to let go of our fears, not caring if the world sees our flaws, our undone and incomplete stories. Daily, we are being saved and redeemed {Rom. 5:10 & 1 Cor. 15:31.} Maybe it's time to give the wave to your brother or sister. I'm broken... weak, I don't have it together, I'm not fooling anyone. My bento boxes for my kids struggled today, and I burnt the roast. I spent too much time on Facebook and didn't get the laundry done. I always forget to comb my middle child's hair before she leaves for school. My baby's socks never match! I loose my temper and stress over unimportant things. I get depressed in the winter. Sometimes I have a hard time receiving love. I could go on... we are completely in need of a Savior... or sounds like a maid, in my case. Sorry, my mommy stressors are kinda boring! At any rate, if I stop playing the game and wave to everyone that I am weak, chances are other weak individuals will wave their hand too. We are connected at the heart. Believe it or not, there is strength in a weakling alliance! :) "For wherever two or three are gathered (drawn together as My followers) in (into) My name, there I Am in the midst of them." Matthew 18:20 (AMP)
I have decided, yes, I will probably say things that are messy... it happens often... that's ok! There is a good possibility that I could be wrong, growing in maturity, or slip in my punctuation and grammer... ok, too! I'm aiming for genuine honesty. Stumbling shouldn't trip us up...
"For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again..." Proverbs 24:16
"If only the will to walk is there He is pleased even
with their stumbles."
"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time."
-C.S. Lewis
Let us grab hands and take this step forward!
Being unfinished and undone is how we lean into our Author daily for the completion of His story in us. It's ok, to be undone. It's ok to be unfinished. It's ok to be imperfect. He's not looking for perfection, He just wants our hearts... our emptied pages for Him to write. ♥
-Lindsey
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